Last belly picture with my aunt, I went into labor that night!
I seriously can’t believe I have a five-year old. No more newborn or toddler. I officially have a big kid. This weekend all my Facebook statues have been something like “this time five years ago”. That’s all I can think about! This time five years ago my life was about to change in the most awesome way.
P’s birthday is also hard on me. I think that’s normal for anyone who didn’t have a birth go as planned and their baby had major complications. I have a vague birth story, and I don’t really like to talk about it. Now if someone asks I will, but I just don’t want to scare pregnant women with it! But even though this is the day of my son’s birth, around 10:30 I always think, this is the time x years ago that P was literally ripped out my arms and words like “brain bleed” “skull fracture” “life flight” were said. I have been thru a lot in my life, I have literally had half of my family die in two years. But that was the hardest, scariest time of my life ever. I was still drugged up from such a long labor and emergency c-section, but I freaked. I screamed at my friend Brandy (I can NEVER thank her enough for being there for me in that moment) to call my Mom. Because no matter how old you are, when you are scared you want your Mommy. I needed mine. J was walking his Dad and brother to their car and walked back in to that. I can’t even begin to think what he was thinking. He was getting all the info second-hand from Brandy, I was a sobbing mess, and the team of doctors (yes, a whole freaking team) had just carried P out. But, I think I got stronger in that moment. I feel like that moment truly made me a Mom. That’s when my “Momma Bear” instincts kicked in.
Fresh out of the oven! 8lbs 15 ounces, 21 inches. Tuesday, December 9th, 2008, 12:03 am.
Thankfully, P didn’t have to get life flighted to the Children’s Hospital. He was in the NICU that was there at the hospital I was at. It was hard though, it was three months after Hurricane Ike, all of the nurses from UT Galveston were in my hospitals NICU so there was a lot of confusion. P did have the skull fracture, he had a drain in his head to drain fluids. He had neurologist from all over come and see him because apparently it’s pretty uncommon for a skull fracture to happen during birth (I know personally of at least two other babies it has happened too). But we weren’t getting any info. At least I wasn’t. I was getting second-hand info from whoever visited him. I was still bed bound because of the epidural so I couldn’t visit him the first day. But I flipped. I needed to know what was going on with my son. Thankfully, I had a wonderful OB who went down there and demanded answers for me. She then got her husband involved who is a pediatrician. The next day I was able to go see him.
At that point though I was pretty much alone during the day. We decided for J to keep working (he was actually getting laid off the next week, we needed him to work every day he could) and my Mom was also at work, we thought it would be best for her to take the time off when we were home. So, it was up to me to get down to the NICU. So I got my ass up out of bed to walk down there. Now, if you have had a c-section you know how hard this it. The first time you stand up you literally feel like your guts are going to fall out. If you haven’t, well, just read that last sentence and you get the idea. So, even though it took me forever, I made it down there for as many feedings as I could. Breastfeeding just wasn’t happening for me. I started having fevers in the middle of the night, I was stressed from the labor and the NICU stay. My milk just straight up refused to come in. My OB sat me down and told me it was okay to formula feed. Yes, the breast milk was better for P, but it wasn’t doing me any good, all the stress I was putting my body thru on top of everything else to try. I’m so glad she said that. I already felt like I was failure, I couldn’t “naturally” give birth to my son, then I broke him!But you know what? I let all that go. He was there, he was for all intended purposes healthy (at that point under three billi ruben lights). There was a light at the end of the tunnel and he was going to be coming home soon.
My first time feeding him while holding him!
My OB tried to keep in the hospital as long as she could. The fevers were a blessing in disguise, they kept me in an extra day. But, I still went home without him. That was the second, maybe first hardest thing I ever did. I was sobbing so hard leaving the hospital I couldn’t even see straight. No telling what people thought because here I was leaving in a wheel chair, sobbing, with all these “it’s a boy” balloons and no baby. But , just a few days later, he came home. And that’s what matters, not everything leading up to it. I try to not let me get me down. I’m not a failure, just because of everything that happened, he is still here, we are still here. He is amazing, funny and the sweetest damn boy you will ever meet.
Going home! I still have the sweater he is wearing, it’s on my teddy bear now.
When I started writing this post, I didn’t think it would take this turn, but it did, and I’m okay with it. I’m not going to write some personal letter to him professing my love and admiration, I do that every day. I also doubt he will ever read this blog lol. That’s something I will do in private, something that is for me and him. Something physical that he can look back on through out the years. But this, well, I’m selfish and this is for me. Because this is what I think of from five years ago. Then I look at my sweet boy and thing, by golly, we made it, we pulled thru that, and damn I love this kid.
The Nerdy Family picture 2013